When Choosing a Partner, look for the Negative!
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When Choosing a Partner, look for the Negative!

Making a decision about a mate is most often made by looking at what is desired.

He must be tall; she must be thin. Must be a beautiful person, make lots of money etc etc.

We shop like it is a grocery list. "Sorry you do not meet my criteria. You're dismissed."

This is totally the wrong way to look for a frail human companion.

The most important thing is to look at their faults. That's right...their faults. These are the things that will cause you to tear your hair out down the road. 

A relationship is not a trophy on your arm for the evening this is a lifetime dance, or at least a decent length commitment.

If their worse fault is something you can tolerate and accept, you might have a match. It is the worse side of your partner that has to be examined yet we only look at the cover of the box.

I usually tell the men I date..(not that I am doing that very much at my age) that I do not call it a relationship until we have had a fight and get past it. 

The main reason is that you see people's true colors when they are mad. Also if you can figure out a mutual conflict-resolution methodology that both of you can tolerate...you might have a winner. Until then it is just a getting to know you waltz.

Most things GOOD will change. He could lose his job. She could get pregnant and fat. None of those components will stay stable, but a mutual commitment toward conflict resolution will give you a firm grounding for a REAL relationship.

Life will NEVER be perfect. The Cinderella Story is just that, a story. What makes things work is examination, communication and integrity of effort. 

The role we play for our significant other gets old after a while and we can only pretend to be a perfect person for so long. None of us are perfect. *gasp*

Men and women are different. Our needs are different. If one member of the group is unhappy and we haven't the energy or the commitment to figure out where things have gone astray...the relationship will enter the ending phase.

You may find out that the people that have the character traits for an enduring relationship are just the opposite of your original shopping list. He might not make much money, because he puts his efforts toward his relationships. She might not be as thin, because she spends more time on others than on herself and vanity.

So if what you really want is a relationship that will last? Try looking on both sides of the shopping list... the good and the bad. If they are short on the good but you can tolerate their worse. You might still have a great deal.

Big Hugs,
Pam



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